All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
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