I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
