Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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