and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
