WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I feel like death gave me a hand job
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize