life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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