Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
