Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
