12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
