i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
time to smoke my breakfast
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
