i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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