If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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