so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
