Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
