defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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