i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
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