so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
