So drunk its hurt
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Randomize
