So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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