Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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