Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
