Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
