Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
