im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
