I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
