I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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