Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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