Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
