One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
what is it with giant penises always finding me
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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