Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize
