I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
