i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
