I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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