FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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