its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I need water and some morals
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
