so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
