You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
