I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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