was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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