K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
