i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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