I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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