For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So much rum. So many feels.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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