I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
