Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
