I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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