You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
