Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
no. you can't hotbox the world.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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