the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
what day is it and did you see me today?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Randomize
