He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
