I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
