Me. At least after what I've been through.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
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i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
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I will find, mount, and marry that person.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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