My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
