I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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