On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
