Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
