he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
