I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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