The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
