I puked a lego.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
