your parents love me but you hate me
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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