I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
